You know me, right?
I’m the sort of person who’s hell-bent against living my life inside the box. I’m the one who screams at the world “screw you and all your perfectionism!”
I am imperfect, I like different things, and pretending to be an expert on any one thing bores the crap out of me. I just want to experience anything that grabs my interest. I want to meet imperfect people. I want to enjoy sunsets, music and rambling conversations. You can take your perfectionism and shove it.
So that’s me, in a nutshell. And yet, as you’ve seen for the last 30-something years, I’ve tried to fit my messy, non-conformist life into a nice, neat controlling little schedule. Kind of contradictory, isn’t it? I’ve set daily schedules, weekly schedules, and even weekend schedules. I have tried allocating every 30 minutes of my day to certain tasks. When one schedule inevitably fails, I’m immediately reassessing exactly how I should be living, while trying to create another.
And you know what? You can be a real asshole, at times. The stricter I get with how I’ll spend my time, the more shit you throw at me to mess up my plans. No offense, but you have a completely warped sense of humour. I’m pretty sure most of time you’re chortling ‘Hey!’ You think you’re in control? Think again, sucker!’
Well, I’m admitting defeat.
As adverse as I am to New Year’s resolutions (which I’ve always thought were ridiculous), this year I’m making one. I am resolving to back off a little, and respectfully ask that we stop all this fighting and come to a compromise.
If it’s ok with you, I’m limiting the amount of control I’m having over my life to the things that make me feel really friggin’ awesome: meditation, and exercise. On the off days I’ve neglected to meditate, I’ve noticed a real slump in my state of mind. And not surprisingly, more than a few days without exercise makes me feel terribly ‘blerg’. You don’t want some stressed-out ‘blergy’ woman loose on the streets, do you? I’ll wreak all sorts of havoc.
As for everything else, I’m throwing my hands in the air. It can fit somewhere in the ‘in-between’, without a specifically allocated time-slot (gasp!).
Universe, you win.
I used to think I was in control, but I now see that you’re tougher, smarter, bigger and scarier than I could ever be. Besides, if I want to live my carefree and imperfect life, maybe we could be mates? A strategic partnership, perhaps?
In 2016, I’m trusting that you know better than me. You always mess up my plans; but so far it’s worked out pretty well.
I’m trusting that even if what you throw at me seems like a steaming pile of shit, it will somehow work out ok.
Please don’t though.