I thought the same. Just some weeks ago. My soul sister kept repeating that kind men are not boring but interesting. I was scpetical. I always felt attracted to these 10% bad boys. Yeah, I played their game too. Sometimes I was the bad one, sometimes them. But actually the story and the ending were always the same: Heartbroken Aleksandra.
And THIS is actually really boring. Not having to worry all the time if he now really likes me or how did he mean this certain sentence – it shows me that peace is definitely worth more than ego games.
But how can I dream of a 100% man if I don’t even give myself 100%?
During my self-love-backpacking-trip I realised how mean I am to myself, how I always look at my feelings, thoughts and acts with jugdment. And I cried because it made me so sad. When I started 2013 my inner journey with my ex-boyfriend – well it was hell and heaven. At one point, the relationship wasn’t healthy or teaching me something anymore, it was killing me from inside. But I couldn’t leave him. I tried, but I couldn’t – the fear that I will be lost without him was too big.
There was one day where I woke up and I was so angry that I promised myself to just finish all of this. Sometimes we need to suffer, to realise what’s really helping us – forget about logic when it comes to these topics.
Just this summer I looked at these patterns because before I pushed it away. It hurt too much. Even now, I am still healing these deep wounds in my heart. Deborah, my best friend, stood next to me during this heavy process – I cried a lot, I felt desperate. Slowly, I started meeting nicer guys. But still they were all, not able to stay in a relationship. Most of them had some traumas from their childhood, problems with their parents – actually all of us. Even I found some hidden pain from my childhood that I even didn’t know existed; I was always told to not be too loud. It helped me a lot to talk to my inner child, to hug in my thoughts and to tell myself, I am here now and I will protect myself. So I asked my inner child what she doesn’t feel safe about. I stopped drinking alcohol. I love red wine but it made me very emotional. Just ask yourself if it’s worth doing it and feeling like this.It’s okay if you don’t feel ready to let it go.
In Bali I once again ran into a man who was holding me in his arms and at the same time pushing me away with his words. And that’s where I saw myself again as a victim; the poor one that just wants to give love and receives so much unfairness. But this was not true, I was not ready to take him as he is. I had already a story in my mind and I wanted to change him – instead of looking at my own shadows. You need to realise that you are not a victim, you have the power to choose. I know this can be hard, it takes some courage to be that honest with yourself. It’s where you start putting away your ego growing towards authenticity. This is also a big part of a relationship and you need to keep practicing these things when you are still single. Why? Because you don’t attract who you want but who you are.
I remember this specific situation in a vegan café with Deborah. There was a really lovely guy preparing our coffee and she said that he has such a kind heart. And I just looked at her and didn’t really respond . Then she said: “You wouldn’t see love even if it would stand in front of you!”
And I had to acknowledge that – ashamed. Because it was true. I was not really interested in these nice guys. I still had the pattern Inside me; that I want to change a guy, I will save him and we will be so happy. But it’s not true. You grow and heal together – naturally. Your job is to keep being nice to yourself, to be your best lover. I’m not saying I already managed this perfectly when I met Adam, my soul mate. No, but I realized for myself that self-love grows out of self-acceptance and that even if I didn’t yet reach this “perfect” version of a woman that loves and does only good things for herself – I am still lovable. I am still worth love without doing or reaching anything – because the people I love are also not perfect and I don’t expect it from them.
Adam is the kindest and most interesting man I’ve ever met. We are so similar, we have the same values, we can be silly together, have deep talks and really show all aspects of ourselves – we both are healing the need for outside validation. Opening ourselves to each other really takes us out of our comfort zone. He mirrors my fears and I, his . It’s the same with love. Taking care of myself doesn’t stop because of what I give him. I am actuallly able to give him without any expectations.
Let me make this really clear: If you just give and hope that you’ll get love back – this is not giving unconditionally – it’s ego and having control.
So to be able to attract someone who you want, you need to start treating yourself well. And don’t rush, this is a heart, not a mind thing and it takes as much time as it takes because you need to feel it and get out of your head. Ask yourself how you want to feel and what you are searching for.
Keep facing the patterns, the shadows and limiting beliefs you have about relationships. Just look at the ones you had in the past and the ones you know from your childhood. This will help you to start changing these things. Just start doing one little thing differently. I for example, said out loud to myself on the beach that it’s fine if I do stupid things. It’s fine kissing this guy who has a girlfriend, it’s fine still hoping the one who broke my heart will change. It gives me peace to allow myself not to be perfect.
I believe that you can find your soul mate. But don’t expect the next guy you date to be the one. Just let it flow and focus on your own love. It’s worth going with patience through the dark parts of yourself. Put light and love in it. You’ll transform your life. And the most important thing: Be nice to yourself today and not maybe, one day when you’ll be “perfect”. It’s now that counts. It’s this moment we have. Everything else is a lie our mind keeps telling us.
More love, not less. (Ashley Paquin)