10 years ago I fell in love with the wrong person. Which I say the word “wrong” purely for the sake of starting out this piece.
I believe I fell in love with the person I was supposed to at that time in order to be pushed towards a major breakthrough in self-awareness. To have my world, my idea of love, my idea of my self, and my idleness shaken and crumbled to the floor.
I was talking to a friend lately that has found himself in a somewhat similar situation. I sat there listening and reliving my own experience and smirking at the familiarity of his words. Knowing that even while asking advice, love still keeps cotton in our ears. That even though he was confiding in me, he would remain a slave to his current path. I gave the best advice I could give, the advice I would give myself if I had 30 seconds to go back in time and face myself.
As much as this sucks, as much as this hurts, as painful as the darkness has potential to become….do not fight or run from the pain. Not for one second would I think of trading my transformation and what I learned from the end of such a powerful love. I would not trade the pain, the sobbing, the heartbreak, the agony because it had all brought me here. What I would do is walk more gracefully into that loss rather than attempt to hold on to her and that love.
I was a man chained to the ground holding a shoe string attached to a hot air balloon. Its burners at full blast. Feeling the string burning through my ever tightening grip. Clenching my fingers along every last millimeter. Painfully aware of my own hopeless hope. Sweat rolling down my face as I give everything I have to hold on only to watch the string slip effortlessly through my fists. Friends telling me to let go, me agreeing with them even, but as the pain increases – so does my grip.
I don’t really believe in going back and changing things but maybe I would go back walk up to my younger self, place my hand on my shoulder, smile a little and say “that’s enough, let go, and look – you’re not even chained to the ground”.
So now I am let go. I am not grasping at that which is floating away. Nor am I holding myself to the ground. I know with every cell and through every bone what it feels like to be in love and I know with aching clarity what it feels like to not be in love.
Falling in love with the “wrong” person was by far the best thing I could have ever done for myself.