I tell myself lies.
Those are the four words I thought were holding me back from being my best self, from owning and living out my purpose, which is, ‘relentless manifestation of me.’
I am fortunate to have attended a retreat with a diverse group of women this past week. I was the youngest and am so grateful for the time spent and the welcoming spirits that invited me in. I have much still to learn from all of the great community leaders I met. The time flew but we did much work. We stayed on a ranch in the Paradise Valley, here in Montana, on the outskirts of Yellowstone National Park.
Mornings were spent waking early and going out with other women to spot animals. We saw grizzlies and moose. I felt and still feel a deep thread to the land here in Montana, and being able to bear witness to the creatures that roam, free, alongside women who I think of as sisters, well, there is nothing quite so humbling, or quite so grounding as that.
I realized after hours of tears and dialogue and being asked many questions, that the one thing holding me back from being relentless and manifesting my dreams, is me.
I spoke words like, ‘I feel helpless,’ and ‘I’m helpless because I’m unhappy,’ and ‘I give so much and I’m just burnt out,’ and ‘I’m not valuing myself and what I want.’ There were many more, and verbalizing how I was feeling was like pulling out splinters the size of great tree trunks from beneath my skin. Small but mighty with the weight of them.
With each lie, I grew. One of the women called me out, and we went through every word I’d spoken. Next to what she had written, she wrote false.
My greatest fear is being disconnected. That may seem silly to read at first, and it didn’t quite make sense when the words spilled from my lips, but it is true. I fear not having the ability to connect with people like I do, to lose that openness I have always had, that I too often take for granted. I fear that one day I’ll just want to quit and not want to give. It hasn’t happened yet, and after sitting in such a safe space, I doubt it ever will.
I let the love in. Some days I forget how to do that. But then, something reminds me, and I begin again.
Conquering fears to find our purpose is work. Once we know, the actions are also more work, but I fully believe that when we are living out our lives as we need to, as we are meant to, we thrive.
Now, I try to tell myself truths. ‘I matter,’ and ‘I thrive in connections,’ and ‘There is a lesson in everything.’
I’ve started really thinking about something I read in Hannah Brencher’s book, about buffalo, and how they don’t run away from storms, but rather, run into them, head on. I want to be like that.
“Fear drives me
Guide me to the storm
And I’ll run straight on through it” – Morgan Gemay Marks