I woke up this morning feeling a little off – Actually completely off, disconnected… Woke up many times last night. I had decided before going to bed – in the morning I’m going to yoga at 8.30.
I’m not a morning person so getting out of bed is a whole thing for me. After waking up & dozing off for an hour it was now 7.45 but strangely enough time was moving slowly, as if secretly pointing me towards to benefit of this yoga class.
I was pondering whether to go, lazed in bed for a little longer, started making excuses, like I’ll be late… And then I decided, if time is standing still for me to go, I have to show up – whatever state I’m in.
I got dressed in 5 seconds, brushed my teeth and headed out the door. In the rickshaw I exchanged some Facebook messages with my partner in crime Morgan – telling her about the qualms of my heart. She sent me positive vibes and love. I reached the yoga place.
The first minutes of class I felt so disconnected from my body. Fidgety, my mind wandering to places without me being able to reduce its talk to silence. Then something happened…I let go… As the class kept on moving forward so did I… Letting go of thoughts, expectations and unworthy mind talks. I wanted to be a 100% in the class and after a couple of minutes of struggle I was. It was a demanding class. If you’ve ever tried Ayengar yoga, you know what I’m talking about.
When I woke up I knew it was going to be tough. I had already taken a class with this teacher and I knew I was going to work my butt off. My mind started talking me out of it, making me feel like I was tired, like I should rest… I didn’t listen because it wasn’t true.
After a little more than an hour and many chest-opening positions, we lied down in savasana. Eyes closed, mind silent, tears started pouring out of my eyes, uncontrollable, unstoppable… For a couple of seconds I felt ashamed that I was crying, the only one in the class pouring my eyes out… And then I shifted my perspective from shame to acceptance.
My heart was opening up, letting go, letting out – That was sheer beauty. A moment suspended in time. I owned it, accepted this gift that I had given myself.
I believe most of us struggle with letting go, with acceptance and forgiveness. Most of us carry so many things on our shoulders, which we can let go of… But letting go is scary – Control brings a sense of security and logic. Letting go means surrendering our hearts to life and trusting it will all be OK. Let’s face it, most Humans suck at trust, myself included.
What I took away from this class is simple – Even when we feel crappy, like we’re unworthy and the world is closing up on us, if we show up, willingly, life can surprise us and offer gifts. And if life doesn’t offer us gifts, then we can treat ourselves to something we know will make our heart sing.