“I was amazed that what I needed to survive could be carried on my back. And, most surprising of all that I could carry it.” Cheryl Strayed
There came a point, not too long ago, when I felt as if I was withering away. The person I want to be, who I am at my core, was slipping severely. To quote Lils Sab “I couldn’t fake it anymore” in the pit of my stomach I could feel it. I tried to dismiss it as anxiety. Though these feelings lingered and subsequently intensified. My loved ones would ask “what is it, what’s wrong?” I tried to elaborate, because I am proficient at expressing my feelings. This time was different, the recurring statements to myself were hypotheticals and indecisive, I don’t knows…This was frustrating to others and even more perplexing to me.
Looking back, it felt like trying to decode a cryptic message from my potential self to my personal state I was frozen in. So I went scavenging for answers through research, using all or any resources. The theme that recurred was somewhat similar to (an incredibly early) midlife crisis. When in all actuality it wasn’t that at all. It came to me like an epiphany, simply yet suddenly. I had reached the fork in my soul. I could stay in my stagnant shame, carrying the huge weight of negative feelings of disappointment. I could keep the pain and struggles that I had clung to for far too long.
Then blossoming was the break through of the knowledge that there is an alternative! It arrived as this beautifully bright shining GIFT! It finally appeared that I could use these intense feelings as my fuel. Something dark to ironically light the fire in my soul, to channel towards my goals and dreams. So I made a decision, as unattainable as it seemed. I pulled the strength from within and used the power that we all have somewhere inside of us ……..CHOICE! So I choose to change and get off the path of self-destruction that felt like an old relationship, toxic but comfortable because of its seemingly easy familiar patterns. I granted refreshing permission to put myself first.
As arduous as it truly is, it was what I choose! To dedicated myself to positive change. Work on self-discovering my own brand of authenticity. I choose to LET GO, to set myself free. Indeed, I figured out I was not dying, I was waking up to the core of my inner most truth and unique abilities. It sounded easy but it was like everything else in life, a process. I was able to change quite a few things that allowed myself the freedom to accept all of the weird idiosyncrasies that are truly Me. Best of all; I had received the beautiful gift that is self acceptance. Embracing the imperfections that are beautiful about not only me but also, all of the souls that are struggling. So I continually remind myself and to try help others that when feeling overwhelmed to keep looking for any sense of peace because you’re never alone in the least. The process of awakening to my own truth and my own voice was stronger than I ever imagined it to be. I could say it is due to my sadness from past hurt or just pain I continue to face today.
Turns out, grabbing ahold of all of my depth, all the feelings, all the experiences, and pulling my strength from deep inside… I found this incredible abundance of sincerity!