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You are accountable for the orgasms you aren’t having.

A woman commented on a recent article I wrote for Elephant Journal called, “10 Ways to become sexually empowered and start having Orgasms like you mean it” (Click here to read the article ) and said, “Wait, isn’t it my partners job to make me orgasm?”

All I heard was someone throwing their accountability for having great sex, lazily out the window.

Can we clear something up, right now?

Having an orgasm with your partner is not about just them—their hands, their lips, their tongues are all part of it, but not all of it.

No—It is about you, too, darling.

You are accountable for the orgasms you are or aren’t having.

Don’t be a victim and sit and wait for a sex god to roll around and make you weak in the knees.

Chances are, if you are not being accountable for your pleasure and orgasms, even if that sex god came around–you still wouldn’t have mind blowing sex with him.

It doesn’t matter how good a lover is, you need to be good at you, too.

You need to do the work, spend the time, get to know your body and what to bring to the table when you find a partner you want to share yourself with in between the sheets.

I for many years blamed my sex sans orgasm on the men I was with.

The reason this woman irritated me is because she was a mirror for me—I am irritated that I for so long blamed the partners I was with for my lack of extraordinary sex.

We can live our lives pointing the finger at everyone, saying, “Woe is me” when anything happens or we can live and breath accountability at the world.

This goes for in and out of the sac.

You always have a choice.

You have a choice in sex with how deeply you engage with your partner. Are you being present, or are you thinking about when you have to pick the kids up?

If you have a hard time being present—kiss deeper, love harder.

Be more involved in the feelings and stimulation rushing through your body.

You have a choice when something feels “meh” to talk about it. To shift things so they make you shake and tremble and get closer to the edge.

If you love something—yell it. Praise your lover. And if something just isn’t, quite, doing it for you—let your lover know what does.

If you are afraid to speak in sex about what you need and want, your withholding is not their fault.

You are not being open—therefore you are accountable for the choice you made to keep your mouth zipped.

Are you showing up to sex tired? Uninspired?

When we are exhausted our libidos vibrate low. We don’t always want to jump at the idea of sex when we are in burnt out, or in an energy lull.

We need to work out, use our bodies, create energy, rest if we need it, do work that stimulates us, be around company and lovers that inspire us.

Do you know what you like, sexually?

Have you spent enough time masturbating, exploring your own body alone?

If you haven’t, do. It’s homework.

We need to do the homework to pass the test and have an orgasm.

Do you really like the partner you are having sex with? Or are you just having sex with them because, well, they are there, familiar, so you don’t up your number?

Because going out into this world, being vulnerable, taking the time to get to know someone, know if they will cherish your brain and ravish your soul before getting naked takes a ton of work.

Are you being lazy? Is this partner your match in more than just a physical sense?

If not, it might be manifesting between the sheets.

Have you cleared energy, and shown up in a healthy space to have sex?

Are you holding onto grudges from work, agitation with your boss or co-workers?

Have you resolved your last fight with your lover?

Hmm, maybe it’s lingering?

Maybe it’s all getting in the way of you connecting and being present?

There are so many reasons we may not be having orgasms with a partner.

So before you go to point a finger at the other person you are choosing to be with, ask yourself if you are doing the work and if they are the partner you want to work at it with.

Great sex doesn’t happen by chance, it happens by choice.

Do the work—or keep having shitty sex, and stop complaining about it.