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#7 : Self-Perception & Healing

Over the past few weeks, (in reality, most of my life), I have struggled with being comfortable within my own skin. I’m really fixated on my inner and outer beauty right now.

I’m writing about this today because I feel like it’s something I wouldn’t normally discuss openly, but realizing and accepting that I’m going through a phase where I cannot connect with my beauty is something that I felt called to be honest about this week.

After becoming a victim of rape in August of 2014, my confidence has been shaken to its core. There are moments where I have found strength since the incident and moments where I have looked into the mirror and spent hours sobbing at my own reflection.

My seasonal depression has been suffocating this year. It has never hit me quite so hard and I was completely unprepared for it to seep through all of the holes in my armor. So, here I am, trying to express to you in the inner battle raging on within my mind and my heart and my body and all I feel is emptiness. Right now, I cannot fix this. I am working through it at my own pace and learning things about myself and how I perceive myself now that I will in turn be able to use towards recovering from this rut, but for now that is all that I can do and for now, that is okay.

I am sharing this with you during Meraki’s month of Healing and Positivity because I need you to know that sometimes the healing process is ugly, and depressing, and not-so-positive. I need you to understand that it’s okay to have to fight through whatever it is your facing and I mean down right dirty fighting- literally, clawing your way back from your own personal hell in order to get better and be better. I won’t ever tell you recovery is all rainbows and unicorns because that isn’t the truth and while I want to offer you as much encouragement as possible, I do not want to set you up for failure in recovery by not being honest with you and taking the time to prepare you for the struggles that you will face. You will face struggles, turmoil, roadblocks, detours, etc., but keep fighting. Rest when you need to, recharge, and then go about what you need to do.

Writing this as my mending heart is sending love and encouragement to yours,